“Ask God for forgiveness and straighten your path”. Humphh! Easier said than done.
Faking it is getting really tiring!The You’d think I’d have perfected the act by now, right? Well, I haven’t. Instead of getting easier it’s getting more difficult to do. Lifting my hands in church, simple right? Not for me it isn’t, not when I know that my life has not pleased God in a long while.
I look around me while I’m in church; everyone seems to be lost in the Spirit (not that you can tell who is faking it, I hope it isn’t easy to tell because mine is so not genuine). Some kneel, others stand, a few sit; all have their hands stretched to the heavens, their faces rapt in wonder. [Sigh] What I would give to experience that feeling again. I have been in church for so long that I know the usual advice people give in situations like mine: “Ask God for forgiveness and straighten your path”. Humphh! Easier said than done. How can I ask God for forgiveness when I know I will slip into sin again? I know what he wants from me, total surrender not partial, which seems to be all I can offer.
There was a time it wasn’t that difficult to give God everything, a time when lifting my hands in church was very natural, but that was before I met Deji.
Okay, I know that’s not fair. Deji is not the reason my life is a mess right now. He is a great guy, the right kind. He does not drink, smoke or womanize plus he treats me like a lady, like I said the right kind. There’s just this teeny weenie issue- he loves to make out. I’m not a prude, of course I love making out with him too. When I’m with him I shelve every inner voice that tells me to stop, in fact I ignore every voice in my head, I just feel, and boy do I feel. But when it’s over there’s just shame and regret, but apparently not enough shame and regret to prevent a repeat performance.
At first, I’d run to God in tears so sure I’d never fall into the same sin again but now I can’t even talk to God like I know I ought to. I feel so guilty and weak, the fact that I know he will not condemn me only makes me feel worse. I don’t think asking for forgiveness is ideal if I am not going to take the necessary steps to ensure that sin doesn’t creep into my life again [Sigh].
How did things get so bad? How I long for the days when the ultimate “sin” I was dealing with was being a smart-ass.
[Yawn] I better get to bed now, have to get up early to prepare that marketing strategy for my boss. Why do I wait till the deadline to do stuff anyway?
Monday, the 2nd of July. 9:23pm…
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