#FuelSubsidyRemoval, the government and the people, all in last week’s news…with a pinch of salt

by Stanley Azuakola

“…our police now have the opportunity to shine and show themselves again by manhandling protesters…”

Shun SURE, embrace CURE

Protesters in Nigeria have rejected the government’s Subsidy Reinvestment and Empowerment (SURE) document, releasing their own document, CURE, which outlines how to successfully cure what they call “the madness plaguing this government.” They said implementing their CURE document is the only condition upon which they would accept subsidy removal and have mercy on the Jonathan administration. Outline of the CURE document include:

1. Working hours should be from 12noon to 2pm to give enough time for trekking to and fro.

2. Offices nationwide should be instructed to have sleeping booths and bathrooms for workers who do not wish to pay transport fares back home

3. Set up a committee on public apology to the masses

4. President Goodluck Jonathan should fire all the incompetents in his administration especially Goodluck Jonathan

5. Invite Pastor Chris to conduct special deliverance from the spirit of deafness to the peoples’ voice in Aso Rock


Make or mar moment for Maku

Reports have emerged that Information Minister, Labaran Maku, has been given a target which will either continue or end his much cherished privilege of continually being addressed as “Honourable Minister.” He has been ordered to ensure that Nigerians swallow government’s tales on the subsidy matter or be fired. In line with that, he’s listed benefits of subsidy removal for which Nigerians must be thankful to the president. He said, “Thanks to subsidy removal, Nigeria would now be a genuine contender for medals in hiking and long distance events in the forthcoming London Olympics.

 Concerning police affairs, our police now have the opportunity to shine and show themselves again by manhandling protesters after being outclassed by Boko Haram for so long. In the area of agriculture, since those who travelled home during the holidays were unable to return to the cities due to prohibitive transport cost, they would remain in their villages to farm and till the soil.”


New romance blossoms between labour and government

There is now better understanding between the Federal Government and Labour Unions, ever since fuel subsidy was removed. Reports indicate that nowadays, Labour Unions and other Nigerians invited to the presidential villa arrive a day or two earlier than the scheduled date just in case the president decides to bring the meeting forward just like he brought forward the take-off of subsidy removal from April to January. Apart from that policy of “the earlier, the better,” labour has also learnt that even though a word is enough for the wise, “only a strike belle-fulls the unwise.”



It would be almost impossible to find a week with more devious clownishness than last week. A Pinch…couldn’t settle on one winner; to do so would have been a disservice to all the other clowns who worked so hard last week at misbehaving. So we have, instead, a collage of clowns.

We start with the clowns from the police force, who are so firm and imperious against innocent protesters but weak and lily-livered against the endless assaults of Boko Haram. Next, are the clowns at NTA, with their large megaphone for misinformation, propaganda and selective coverage of events which they used ceaselessly last week. We also have the pro-government protesting clowns who went to exhibit craze at the Labour House and were later caught on camera receiving payments/bribes for allowing themselves become nuisances.

Finally, Aso Rock which demands public trust yet shows unconscionable untrustworthiness –lying about when subsidy removal was to be effected, lying to the world on BBC that majority of Nigerians supported subsidy removal, and unleashing the forces of state on innocent protesters.

What a combination for CeeCee we have this week! Good thing is they’ve all deserved their spots on the clown-roll.


Follow A Pinch…on twitter @stanleyazuakola       


Editor’s Note: A Pinch of Salt… is satire – a riff off news over the past week.


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cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail