Books hate Nigerians

A committee set up by government to look into the immediate and remote causes of any problem of its choice, has submitted its report which revealed that Nigerians have “a mutually hateful relationship with the word ‘book.’” To buttress its point, the committee noted that “any process which involves books in Nigeria ultimately comes to naught. When the president launched Bring Back the Book, it flopped. When students are asked to read their books, they record mass failures. When criminals are issued threats that they would be brought to book, they go scot free. When MDAs are asked to open their books for audit, it reveals shady deals.” The report concluded that there’s no hope of a genuine reconciliation with books, therefore books must be ditched and a new committee should be set up to come up with suitable synonyms for it, which would be used henceforth. They insisted that the committee must be chaired by Hon. Patrick Obahiagbon in order to give it “linguistic gravitas.”

Ibori takes on new challenge

Just one week after a British court handed him a thirteen year prison sentence, ex-governor of Delta State, James Ibori, has jumped back into the murky waters of politics. This time, Ibori is vying with Diepriye Alamieyesigha and Lucky Igbinedion to be captain of the Old Looters Dorm (OLODO) of Corrupt Nigeria Inc. Never one to tarry behind, Ibori has already released a 5-point agenda on why he is the best man for the job.

1. I have more levels. You’ll all agree with me that the British court which jailed me has “more levels and effizy” than the Nigerian courts which jailed my co-contestants.
2. I am a team player. I didn’t go down alone; my wife, concubine, lawyer and many others in my team went down with me.
3. I’m a source of joy. My conviction brought more joy to Nigerians than any other in recent history.
4. My money talks. The monies my co-contestants touched are chicken feed compared to mine.
5. I’m in this for the long term. My sentence is quite long; I’ve got time on my hands.

Timely poem for President Goodluck

As part of the celebrations to mark TIME magazine’s listing of President Jonathan as one of the 100 most influential people in the world, a nationwide secondary school “time-rhyming poetry” competition was launched by the Ministry of Education. The top entries were voted for online in a transparent process. Reproduced here by permission is an excerpt of the winning entry:

 

Why can’t we all just be happy for Goodluck this one time?

Lips of bile beware; better take your time,

For there is time for everything; a time to run your mouth and a time to shut it,

Our Goodluck wasn’t listed as a time bomb waiting to explode,

Or as a time traveller trapped in the villa due to a time warp,

Or as our favourite pastime away from life’s timeless struggles,

His, was an influential TIME listing,

OMG! It truly was. Blimey, this must be a sign of the end times.

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

Corruption would continue to flourish in Nigeria until crime and punishment becomes conjoined like a Siamese twin, and the presence of one naturally guarantees the presence of the other. Children and youths—the future—who haven’t become fully branded by the systemic malaise must be able to see tangible proofs that society collectively abhors malfeasance, otherwise, what hope is there? The government of Delta, through its agents in the state-owned Delta Broadcasting Service (DBS) and The Pointer newspaper, believe that the light of truth can be hidden under a bushel. So while the world talked about and condemned the rapaciousness of James Ibori, there was a conspiracy of silence in Delta as these media houses never mentioned the conviction. They assumed that their silence could shield the truth. If only they knew, that truth is truth –it cannot be shrunk, diluted or strangled; least of all by the puppets and clowns in DBS and The Pointer.

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Editor’s Note: A Pinch of Salt… is satire – a riff off news over the past week.