You are all cowards, me too – and more, in today’s news roundup with Cheta Nwanze

by Cheta Nwanze

the-future-symposium Amaechi
[L-R] Chike Ogeah, Delta commissioner for information; Gov. Rotimi Amaechi; Gov. Kayode Fayemi and Tonye Cole, Sahara Energy at the TFA Symposium

Rewriting the history books is what #DSPAlams is doing now, and getting people to believe his side of the story.

The Rivers state governor is a very interesting character. Like I said in an earlier newsletter, he is funny, and he proved it again last Saturday when he stood in front of an audience made up of assorted members of the Twitter crowd and well, there is no other way to sugar-coat it, called them cowardly nincompoops. I was a member of that crowd.

“You guys are all stupid,” Don Amaechi paraphrased, while a motley crew of Twitter activists applauded him. Spurred on by the adulation, he went further and paraphrased, “if I see you on the road with my siren convoy, I will splash you water, and nothing will happen.” Well, while no rotten tomatoes were hauled at him by the people who regularly wax lyrical and vitriolic on Twitter, to their credit, Kathleen, Atom and Akin walked off in a huff. Don Amaechi just looked at them, and shook his head ruefully, because as he pointed out to ‘Yemi in his next salvo, he, and not we, would be given the chance to rewrite the history books.

Rewriting the history books is what #DSPAlams is doing now, and getting people to believe his side of the story. Thus it was that he told some obscure hacks that back in 2008, the late Prez, promised him that he wouldn’t spend a single night in the gaol since, according to him, he is the father of Nigerian peace, and of MEND. So because he is their Daddy, MEND and other assorted riff-raff would always hear his voice. Two problems with that whole exercise in historical revisionism: first, when plea bargains are entered into, they are usually the stuff of public knowledge, and are entered into in a court of law; second, well, Yardie is no longer here to tell us the truth or otherwise of #DSPAlams’s treatise.

But Yardie’s wifey is still around, and she has sent an impassioned appeal to the Prez to stretch out his miraculous rod and save the kids in the north. “This is your turn to do the same thing in the North. It is imperative of you to appoint good advisers who will guide and direct you on how best to handle the amnesty programme. My brother, I am not happy with what is going on in the North,” Aunt Turai wailed while 1532km away, the leaders of #BokoHaram sat together, had a titter, and told the Prez and assorted leaders to put all the talk of amnesty where the Sun don’t shine.

Quote of the day

“Yes, revolution can happen outside Nigeria… Our elasticity has no limit. You do not pray for electricity to be regular but you know that some Nigerians pray ‘God, let the light be stable today.’  We pray without working to solve our problems and we think God will do what we are supposed to do for us … ‘Yemi, if you keep distributing those leaflets, I won’t give you a ride in my jet.” Rotimi Amaechi paraphrases the great Fela.

Bits and bobs

We will have to all the Daddy of the militants to call his sons to order. They have escorted 12 men-in-black off of the mortal coil.

Assorted Dons at UNICAL have come up with a solution for the half-baked graduate menace: come to school three times out of four.

While other schools might be able to adopt that, it is my guess that the students of the College of Education, Hong, Adamawa state would be too tired to go to classes. They build their own homes you see…

In Ebute-Metta, Dr Ayenoro, 42, not known by any medical school, removed the fibroid from his patient; as well as her uterus.

Announcement

YNaija is starting a new, politics only website for young people to participate in the process. In other words, come online, make a lot of noise, then get laughed at by Rotimi Amaechi next year.

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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