by Kim Olver
How do you feel when anyone tries to control you into doing something you wouldn’t necessarily want to do? It doesn’t feel good!
According to The Daily Mail, new research says that two-thirds of British women admit using sex to reward their partner for good behavior, with helping around the home being the most common reason they will give their partner payback in the bedroom.
For generations and generations, men and women have been attempting to control each other’sbehavior. We know how we want our relationship to be and when it isn’t what we want, we tend to point fingers at the other person, believing that if he would just do things differently, life would be so much better.
Many people use controlling behavior to get their partner to do things their way.They may complain, blame, criticize, nag, threaten and punish in an attempt to get their partner to change. These negative behaviors might work. In fact, that’s why they are so powerful and continue to be used over and over again. Sometimes they work. You just might wear your partner down into giving you what you want. But what have you lost in the process? Anyone who has ever “won” an argument this way surely knows what it feels like to “win the battle but lose the war.” You may get what you want in the moment, but you are definitely chipping away at the very foundation of your relationship.
There are some who have learned this lesson and work at not being controlling in a destructive way. They believe that rewarding “positive” behavior is better than punishing “negative” behavior. However, this raises some issues:
- Who decides what makes behavior positive or negative?
- What gives anyone the right to try to change another person’s choices?
- How does a person feel when they are being controlled by someone that professes tolove them?
- Should intimacy that is supposed to be a freely given expression of one’s passion and feelings be reserved for those times of “good behavior”?
- If you are rewarding your partner for good behavior, wouldn’t that necessarily imply that you are withholding sex during times you aren’t feeling particularly supported?
This study suggests women are more likely to reward with sex than a man. This makes sense because women know what to take away that is most hurtful to a man. A man may be more likely to reward with romance and attention, since this is what’ s most coveted by women.
The one point of the study I will disagree with is when it determined that 78% of respondents didn’t think there was anything wrong to using sex as a reward. I believe those who said so are unaware of the long-term consequences of having to “work” for something that should be freely given without strings.
In my experience of talking to audiences around the world, I have not yet run into anyone who says they don’t mind having sex dangled as a carrot for good behavior.
Sure, a man is interested in sex. When it is offered in connection with an expectation, however, it doesn’t feel right. Yes, he will likely perform to get the reward (sex), but how do you think he is feeling toward you? If you are the one who is attempting to control him through your sex reward, he isn’t feeling particularly loving toward you.
Any time a male or female is attempting to control the other person in their relationship, whether by an unwanted behavior or rewarding a wanted one, they are running the risk of damaging the relationship. Many relationships will be able to sustain some of this kind of damage but when it becomes a repeated behavior over time, the likelihood you will remain together is reduced exponentially. Loving for no reason is one of the sexiest things you can do in a relationship. Have with your partner just because you love him and you are grateful for his presence in your life. Besides . . . It can be fun, relaxing and is a great stress reducer. Try it
Read this article in Your Tango
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.