by Cheta Nwanze

In other embarrassing news, red-faced by the fact that one of their professors jumped the gun and announced a cure for HIV/AIDS only two years after beginning something he claims is research, the University of Benin has distanced itself from the purported cure.

It is not always ‘bad news’ of potential academic fraud and confra wars that come out of Nigeria’s institutions of higher learning. It must be said that we have a lot of genuinely intelligent academics who if they got the right kind of support will take Nigeria beyond the stars. This is a country that has produced the likes of those three young ladies who modified a generator in a manner that all you would have to do is to piss in it in order to banish NEPA from your memory. The natural follow up question would be why no one has made an effort to sponsor this line of research? In any event, I’d also like to point out to our government functionaries that the next time your kidneys fail to process all that champagne that y’all pop regularly, save that ticket money and take a trip to Kano instead. They do successful kidney transplants there.

Problem is that our government officials would more likely than not raise the spectre of Boko Haram as a reason for not wanting to go to Kano for such a job. You see, truth is that most of them would prefer to shop on Oxford Street. Which is why that silly idea of an Abuja Boulevard that was mooted by one of Nasir El-Rufai’s successors as FCT boss may just have some merit. It would be cheaper in the long run to relocate all those doctors from Kano to Abuja, then build the Abuja Boulevard so that we save up on all that estacode. Will this happen? Is Boko Haram really that naughty? Truth is that evidence actually suggests otherwise. Boko Haram according to statistical data available is actually losing steam. Something perhaps for the government to trumpet since it is a deviation from the rather embarrassing news that we get all the time.

In other embarrassing news, red-faced by the fact that one of their professors jumped the gun and announced a cure for HIV/AIDS only two years after beginning something he claims is research, the University of Benin has distanced itself from the purported cure. As a matter of fact, the Prof himself has more or less admitted that he did not test DE CONCOCTION on humans before rushing to the press with the ‘good news’. “There are no hospitals willing to cooperate with us, this is a challenge. We need a larger population size for this study,” whimpered Ibeh, while at the University’s hallowed senate chambers, a debate began as to what kind of naughty step he would be made to sit on.

The naughty step is frankly one form of punishment that I never understood in my years abroad. I remember a colleague of mine back then, a genius known as David Shine, wondering why his kids were going from bad to worse despite his repeated use of the naughty step. While I’m not the most Bible quoting chap around, one day I simply pointed him to Proverbs 13:24, which sadly he never read because he is a Jew. However, I’d like to extend the same advice to Jigawa’s head honcho, and I hope that his being a Muslim won’t prevent his reading it up. Buy a koboko for Aminu. Fresh from monumentally embarrassing his daddy by being caught with a large stash of cash at the airport, Aminu has apparently killed a man. But for the quick intervention of the police, those of us who love social media causes would have had a hash-tag for the Jigawa state governor’s son by now. #StopJungleJustice #RememberAminu

Bits and bobs

Hands on my heart, my favourite ever book is The Passport of Mallam Ilya. In my view, the best three books ever to come out of Nigeria were written by the same man, Cyprian Ekwensi. The Passport of Mallam Ilya, Jagua Nana and An African Night’s Entertainment. Why Nollywood has never made a movie from them is beyond me. Auntie Mildred are you reading? Yesterday, the Niger state government honoured this titan of Nigerian literature by naming its new library after him. Sanu da aiki.

Despite the fact that our current universities seem to have more quacks than academics, the contract sharing council appears determined to dilute the pool even more. Birnin Kebbi, Gashua and Gusau will be hosting the next round of confra wars. The next cure for AIDS will come from one of them maybe?

The Russians are trying to turn the screws on Nigeria’s government. See, those chaps strayed into our territorial waters with a lot of guns. They should not be released, ever. Imagine if a group of Naija boys sashay into Vladivostok with all sorts of charms. They’d be sent straight to Siberia not to be seen for another quarter century.

Unhappy that the money Chevron paid for them to share did not get into their accounts in time for Christmas, the Delta state government has de-listed Union Bank and Diamond Bank as revenue collectors for the state. Expect both banks to be re-listed after the Easter round of popping champagne.

It might appear as scant consolation to US-based forward Bright Dike, but cheer up brother, being excluded from the Papa Eagles for next week’s African Nations Cup disaster will be a good tonic for your soul.

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.