by Anna Breslaw
Goddammit, wet spot.
3. I better go pee so I don’t get a UTI. And explain that to him for the fortieth time.
4. God, I’m wheezing like a 70-year-old chain smoker. I need to go to running more. I got that cute J.Crew puffy vest for it and everything.
5. Was my cat watching us the whole time? Probably. At least she didn’t try to swat at his balls.
6. How does the condom wrapper always end up on the floor?
7. He listened to me about the finger thing from last time! Good to know he takes suggestions.
8. I can’t wait to tell my best friend at brunch tomorrow. Still too soon to look at my phone, right? Yeahhh.
9. Do we cuddle now? I don’t want to instigate it because then I’m The Girl Who Cuddles.
10. Oh OK good he instigated it.
11. Awww, man, we rolled right into the wet spot. Wet spots are God’s way of punishing us for the sin of fornication.
12. We clearly both feel this wet spot and neither of us are acknowledging it. Because it’s awkward (if we’re newly dating) and/or we’re stubborn and lazy (if we’re in a long-term relationship).
13. Do we have to get up and change the sheets? Do I even have clean sheets right now?
14. OK, yeah, let’s just get up and change them.
[Sheets changed. Back to cuddling.]
15. Is his arm falling asleep?
16. Did my neighbors hear us? Eh, who cares?
17. How is he asleep already?
18. At least I can text my best friend now and tell her I totally just did it.
19. I’m trapped here now. Under his giant leaden sleeping-man arm. I guess I just have to lie here until we drowsily roll over and switch positions at 3 a.m.
20. What should I get for brunch tomorrow? I’ll let my internal debate between pancakes and Eggs Benedict lull me to sleep.