Every day on the Nigerian internet, there are people who keep our eyes glued to our phone screens as we read their rants, opinions, perspectives on political and social matters, etc. Sometimes, they are just downright ridiculous. We make it our job to take down the names of these noisemakers.
Here’s our list from today:
1 Ife
Ife sent out an SOS, but instead of help, what she received was totally devastating. Her thread will make you weep for Africa.
Take a look:
This man right here, is a senator in my country. Somebody help ? pic.twitter.com/8gV7wBNkdz
— Princess Ife❤️ (@ife_luv12) November 4, 2017
Reactions:
Wish I could, but this man right here is the Governor of my county, Nairobi. pic.twitter.com/mopr91aiwA
— WhatKenyansDo?? (@CrazyKenyanss) November 4, 2017
Look at him, looking like the forth member of Migos. ?
— ?? Ìbùkún Ọlọ́un? (@IbukunOLOUN) November 4, 2017
Quavo, Offset, Takeoff & RunAway.. call them figos..
— *WiLLZ* (@sparriwillz) November 4, 2017
Take heart my sister,this is our member of parliament here in uganda. pic.twitter.com/BqaQ09FANg
— Comfort (@17Comfort17) November 4, 2017
This is the current minister of water resources in south sudan pic.twitter.com/XsPLgrmNZn
— ???? (@lukbouy2) November 4, 2017
The minister for water in Sudan is no better trust me ? pic.twitter.com/FcMKPlr5pC
— Hassan [His Wittiness] (@im_haszan) November 4, 2017
LOL..we prefer our Dino ?
— ?AYO (@Mr_Hortegzs) November 4, 2017
You deserve what you vote for. You deserve the aversion for intelligence the paved the way for Dino. Nigerians made their bed, now sleep!
— Sam Efe (@BluntWithTruth) November 4, 2017
2. Ms Boateng
According to the Minister of Labour and Productivity, Chris Ngige, Buhari has created 7 million jobs.
Well, according to Omojuwa, it’s time Ministers of the Federal Republic of Nigeria submitted themselves for psychiatry tests.
The National Assembly must make psychiatry tests for prospective ministers necessary as part of their appointment process. https://t.co/c7wSZ2c4k1
— JJ. Omojuwa (@Omojuwa) November 3, 2017
He has a point. Nigeria is just coming out of a year-long recession, and companies were one of the hardest hit, ergo no jobs! How then did Mr Ngige happen upon this figure?
Ms Boateng tried to help us resolve this itchy question. Here’s what she found out:
Quick maths
From NBS website jobs created:
Q3 2015 475,180
Q4 2015 499,521
Q1 2016 79,469
Q2 2016 155,444
Q3 2016 187,226— Ms Boateng (@JoyceOdukoya) November 4, 2017
That's all the info I could access. Total 1,396,840. I'm guessing the remaining 5,603,160 jobs were created between Q4 2016 and Q3 2017. ??
— Ms Boateng (@JoyceOdukoya) November 4, 2017
Na wa.
3. Femi Fani-Kayode
We are not certain what Fani-Kayode is responding to exactly. But we say a big Amin.
Darkness cannot overcome light.No matter how long it takes,goodness, mercy and God's glorious light and counsel shall prevail.So keep hope alive and NEVER bow!Stand firm,tall, strong and proud knowing that u serve a mighty God and that joy comes in the morning.Courage and faith!
— Femi Fani-Kayode (@realFFK) November 4, 2017
4. Mustapha
What are the things your children won’t believe about you? Mustapha tells his:
https://twitter.com/_MustaphaUsman/status/926856597472604160
Lool same. I’ve only attended one grad, the one of nursery school.
— Zayyad (@Abdul__Mz) November 4, 2017
Now that I think about it…neither did I https://t.co/IcJhTLklfj
— Ari Gold (@LawalAbubakar_) November 4, 2017
5. Dr Joe Abah
The good doctor is fed up with Nigerians sitting on the fence. Pick a side:
Most people prefer to be grey. Neither black nor white. But as the good book says, if you’re lukewarm, not hot nor cold, I’ll spit you out.
— Dr. Joe Abah (@DrJoeAbah) November 4, 2017
Do not be afraid to be wrong. As the philosopher, Karl Popper, said, we advance knowledge not be proving hypothesis but by disproving them.”
— Dr. Joe Abah (@DrJoeAbah) November 4, 2017
6. Funmi Iyanda
Media entrepreneur lays out her manifesto.
I just want to be the #chiefwitch who helps the plebs and philistines decode the world's weirdos, aliens and other geniuses in interviews.
— Funmi Iyanda (@Funmilola) November 4, 2017
With time l came to realise that more than any form of "other" the intelligent being is the most despised, these l must champion. https://t.co/jrKc2Qa3Wv
— Funmi Iyanda (@Funmilola) November 4, 2017
7. @theBlack Hermit
Nigerians do this all the time: stroll into other people’s tweets to say crap in the name of being woke. Take this post below. This dude was celebrating his girl and what did the hater below say?
My girl is not your mate, your height or in your league. You can’t survive the sauce. pic.twitter.com/HeVsTY2YsH
— Photographer (@DemiladeR) November 3, 2017
Just negodu.
Anyway, here’s the Black Hermit’s take on these things- especially when it’s men who are the culprits.
Woman hypes herself, Nigerian men show up to chat shit. Man hypes his girlfriend, Nigerian men show up to chat shit.
See a pattern here?
— Sir Slay (@TheBlackHermit) November 4, 2017
Reactions:
They don't like women. They don't want to see us happy in any way. They just like what we do for them.
— Christabel (@Christababey) November 4, 2017
Jokes aside, we don’t really value women in Nigeria. We see their value only as an extension of us. Without that connect, we don’t
— Umoh❣️ (@em_umoh) November 4, 2017
Are you happy now? Generalizing Nigerian men with just two guys? What does it tell us about Nigerian ladies? Jumping to conclusions…
— Retired Hoe. G. (@vickypede) November 4, 2017
Nigerian men stay chatting shit ?
— Edwina ♥ (@EddyAnis) November 4, 2017
Ouch.
Bonus
Sam Hart’s experience is at the same time touching and hilarious.
Wife's relative I vaguely know is wedding. Wife insists I attend.
I got to venue. Gave groom envelope.
Alas. 2 weddings. Wrong groom.
— Sam Hart (@hartng) November 4, 2017
Someone's prayer has been answered…
— El-awobeda® (@AdebowaleGCFR) November 4, 2017
Ahmean!
— Sam Hart (@hartng) November 4, 2017
Chaiii pic.twitter.com/B0w152Gucq
— Mosi (@mofenzo) November 4, 2017
Pele.
Reformed social media monitoring spirit
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