We’re seeing a new group of story tellers spring up on TwitterNG and we cannot get enough of their hilarious tales. Here’s another by @ItsUncleStephen.

Enjoy:

As a New year approaches, I remember when I, @UchennaNG and another friend, nearly died on my Birthday, because we went to a party and rocked some Cultist's babe in another school.

A Thread.

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

I was in my room Jeje oh. No plans for the day whatsoever, when my unfortunate friend comes in like oboy party dey for IMSU. Ah! IMSU? The land flowing with babes and honeys? I quickly donned my israelite garment, ready to leave my Egypt of a room.

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

But i should have known. Nothing good ever comes out of my friend ironically named progress. If that boy says come let's start doing yahoo. Best believe the day you go to buy laptop to start. As you're exiting the shop,

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

Waiting for you outside will be EFCC,SARS,ICPC, OPC and even the defunct Issakaba boys whose machetes will show all the colors in ROYGBIV when they place It on your chest. pic.twitter.com/sOlVcpsbpv

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

But brethren. You see something? Something must kill a man. When we got there, called and they came out and we hugged, confam 720 degree rubbing minds hug. A high pitched thank you Jesus escaped my lips. Coming here was surely Godswill [akpabio] for my life. Amem? Emem!

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

Filled with happiness, I looked up and like in that Old MTN advert, I'm like "oh! Lord of hosts. Now you wanna make me cry. step up unto the balcony of my praise and receive this gift of thanks that's as priceless as you're." joyful tears streamed down my face pic.twitter.com/PsEdzYl44m

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

I did the only right thing to get my mind away. I thought of how he hung on the cross, how he suffered, how he was beaten, i started feeling his pain and a lone tear even leaked down my left cheek and my torch went off. Hallelujah. pic.twitter.com/uorAMRqEbF

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

'Wey you. Park there' said a guy with a chest as big as two of my head, coming out of nowhere with 4 other guys.

We were on a lonely, bushy road.

Hot piss filled my bladder.

Next thing Progress replied, "who una be to park us"

I looked at him like WHAT IS DOING THIS IMBESIDE pic.twitter.com/rjECf9in5z

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

I knew collection didn't mean offering when the beatings started.

Omo! I couldn't see myself. Progress who was forming i can be your hero baby before, when one better slap touched him, baba shout "mummy'm oooooooo".

"Stop!" the leader shouted.
"Adamise these jews".

I'm like. pic.twitter.com/xq5gkaX4JG

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

Before we could say 1,2 buckle my shoe, we had been encouraged by more slaps to strip down to our boxers.

That's when when both we and the cultists alike noticed Progress wearing a pink boxer with barbie image, dotting it.

We stared at him whathefuckerly like? pic.twitter.com/S3P0n8y6DV

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

'Oya lie down face ground'

Na so we lie down. Only boxers. Like say na crime fighters. To make things worse one ant was climbing my leg, heading for my penalty spot.

In my mind I'm like my village people pls dundodis? I'll bring something to appease y'all in december.

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

While on the ground, they still gave us some beatings, and then they started deliberating. We could hear them murmur.

Me too I was murmuring in my mind like father give me a last chance at life abeg. I'll never ever follow women again [ a big lie of course]

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

Finally their Oga shouted "stand up"

We did.

"now run away! Run. Don't stop running. If we see you people here again. Una go die"

Eh? Me?

Man's was like. pic.twitter.com/bZiZNH8CNL

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

Now picture three young men, running half naked towards a junction.

It was no wonder, One guy standing at the junction, baba see three agile men dey run towards am. The guy picked race and threw it away.

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

Now we're standing at the junction, almost 10pm, half naked, trying to flag down keke.

Nobody was stopping. Anyone that slows down, on seeing three naked ritualists as they must have thought, omo voom! They drive off.

We're there like. pic.twitter.com/5k04qtExwr

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

Finally, one keke stops and charges us an arm and a leg to take us all the way from town to school.

So we're in the keke, cold stealing our youth, and the few Nigerians that saw us kept wondering why we were naked inside keke. Like please abeg. Nobody should ask what happen or pic.twitter.com/plKLDhaZMw

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

We finally got to school, dropped off Progress at his, managed to sneak into my Lodge and get money to pay the keke guy.

Slept with pain in my heart, Only for Progress to come the nxt morning like, i call those babes o. Dem say party dey but no worry no be for that their side. pic.twitter.com/IwQllzz9Xl

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

 

There and then, I realised the boy was a core member of my village people, And the more i stared at his face, the more it transformed to its real village uncle chinwetalu agu form.

Tueh! Get the behind me. Animal.

THE END.

RT if you liked this. More to come

Cheers.

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 26, 2017

Cray.