Oloruntorera Adesina: All I want is a scar on my face [Nigerian Voices]

by Oloruntorera Adesina

All I want is a scar on my face. My friends think I’m insane for having such a bizarre desire. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when this need, so acute to the point of pain, came up. I just remember taking one of my usual leisure walks and deciding that a scar on my face would be a temporary solution to most of my problems. If not for anything else, it would help concentrate the constant turmoil ongoing in me on one part of my body I could focus on.

I’ve always considered suicide as cowardly and self-mutilation as a”white people” problem. I never would have looked to either of them as necessary options to get rid of your problems. But here’s the thing, I’m not much of a talker, a trait my closest friends detest. It is a bit hypocritical seeing, as I always want people to talk to me about whatever quandaries they have. But, Lord knows, giving and getting should go hand in hand.

However hard I try though, it takes a whole lot of self-motivation to confide in even the closest of companions because there are very few things in this world that do as much damage as when people hurt you.

Being vulnerable, putting your darkest fears and hopes in the hands of another human is almost as easy as pulling teeth from a bear..if it is not wide awake…and growling at you with hungry eyes. Of course, this is the most common of human fears but is it not harder for some people than others?

The real reason why I would rather take Leonardo Dicaprio’s place in The Revenant than spill my guts to someone however is that Nigerians have a mental list of problems that are acceptable to fuss about and problems that are not. I learnt this recently during a conversation with a friend. In his words, “…don’t care how you feel if they cannot understand your pain…”

Apparently, a person who commits suicide to escape depression that arose as a result of being physically abused doesn’t have a good enough reason to do so as a person who was sexually abused because being sexually abused is of course worse.

A woman who lost three of six children in an accident and a woman who lost one of six to an illness are not even on the same wave length of pain.

Losing a fiancée few months to the wedding and losing a spouse few weeks into the marriage should not be compared because the person that lost the fiancée is obviously better off.

Then there’s the fact that growing up in a loveless, unhappy home should have no negative impact on a person whatsoever because there are people who did not even have the privilege of growing up in any sort of home.

Going late and tired to work because the newborn baby kept you up all night is a more forgivable offense than going late and tired to work because series of nightmares deprived you of precious sleep.

A story about a molested child will obviously garner more sympathy than a story about a neglected child.

The list goes on. These are not just random scenarios I created, they are actually stories I have watched play out over the past few years. In other words, the minute you start talking about your problems and someone realizes you have it better than someone else out there does, there is an automatic expectation that you clam up or risk sounding ungrateful and whiny.

I am not de-emphasizing the importance of the obligation to show gratitude that certain things are not as bad as they could be. Should this, however, take away the desire to just have someone tell you “yes, this is a very terrible thing to have gone through” or “to be going through and maybe you do deserve to feel depressed and unhappy and miserable about it” before going on to say “but you can’t wallow in this for too long. You have to get up and move on so you do not have to be miserable all your life”?

I do not have a degree in psychology neither do I claim to know anything more about the human psychology other than what I know about myself but I do know that the easiest way Nigerians feel they can help you get rid of your problem is by reminding you that there is a worse one out there. Sometimes, they are well meaning, sometimes yet, the effect may not be quite as positive as hoped.

I saw a meme once that depicted how Nigerians feel everything is a competition. You tell your friend your head hurts and they one-up you by saying how their head, hands, feet and back all ache simultaneously. I think it’s in-built though, even I have caught myself doing it on a number of occasions. Yes, sometimes people need reality checks but other times maybe they just really need to cry and bitch and whine. The fact that someone’s whole body hurts doesn’t take away the fact that my head hurts too.

This is what led me to my desire for a scar. As sad, disgusting, and selfish as it might sound, I just really crave an outlet to channel all the pain and discomfort that I can’t talk to anyone about because it is seemingly insignificant compared to what some people have on their plates.

Writing works wonders. Heaven knows the letters are not going to accuse me of being ungrateful because I’m using them to solve my own problems when someone else needs them neither are the keyboard, the pen or the book going to give me accusatory looks because they think I’m being selfish.

I recently suffered heartbreak. I do not think any other thing I have gone through can take the place of the intense pain that threatened to overwhelm me. Writing stopped being the healing balm that it used to be. In one of the fits of tears that came during this period, I dug my nails so violently into my palms that they drew blood. The sharp sting that came from that injury rolled back the hurtful emotions running in me as a different pain came into place.

Here is the thing, I know it’s cowardly and dumb but it seems like the only way out; at least I haven’t found any other. More than I do for myself, however, I care about how other people who may be in this same situation feel. For some, driving down to the nearest bridge is the next available option. I’m much too chicken to try to explore this route.

My conclusion, I think it’s time we start being a little more open minded. When next you find yourself on the listening end of someone’s problems, try as hard as you can not to leap into the role of adviser and settle for a while into the listener’s seat. It’ll do a lot more good. I definitely know it’ll do me good.


This entry was submitted as part of the Nigerian Voices competition organized by YNaija.com.

We publish, un-edited, Nigerians telling the stories of their everyday lives. Read all the narratives daily on the Nigerian Voices vertical. You can also contribute your own story titled ‘Nigerian Voices’ to [email protected].

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