Last week, Atiku was quite the talkative. On social media and television, he made sure he was seen and heard and of course that created a ripple effect: netizens who don’t like him went crazy, trying to convince other young Nigerians that Atiku is not a viable presidential candidate. That’s how you know the former VP’s strategy is working: his name is on the lips of many.

MASSOB, on the other hand, tweaked their old M.O. of threats to include foretelling the future. It should be laughable, but this is Nigeria where anything can happen. And PDP’s National Convention underscored this point. The night to the Convention, five aspirants -Bode George, Jimi Agbaje, Gbenga Daniel, Rasheed Ladoja and Remi Olusegun- for the post of National Chairman withdrew from the race.

That wasn’t the fascinating part, though. They all screamed corruption and suppression of the Yoruba race— complete with bombastic English. You really have to read Bode George’s letter.

Let’s jump in:

1 Goodluck Jonathan

“God willing, we will go through the convention and the party will become solid. Now, we have the National Caretaker Committee and when you are a caretaker you are not as strong as an elected chairman.”

After the National Convention which took place yesterday, the jury is still out on the party now being “solid”, as complaints of corruption by party stalwarts, no less, are through the roof. But GEJ can hope, right?

2. John Odigie-Oyegun

“Let nobody fear that the defection of the former Vice-President is going to lead to any deluge. Don’t ever be afraid that there is going to be any massive defection. As a matter of fact, the contrary is the case, the APC is growing in strength on a daily basis.”

After Atiku defected from APC, National Chairman of the APC thought assurances were necessary. Who’s he speaking to, please?

3. Ahmed Markafi

“Your Excellency, you have opened the floodgates and we expect many more high profile returnees and new entrants into the PDP.

We will continue to consult you. You will also help us reinvent the vehicle that will take us to Aso Rock in 2019.”

As you can see, PDP is desperate to return to power and they’ve sunk their hopes in Atiku. For their sakes, we hope it won’t turn The Titanic.

4. Abubakar Atiku

“I will definitely beat him this time (2019). He has wasted a lot of his massive goodwill,” he was quoted as saying.

“A lot of people are disgruntled but keeping quiet and lying low. Our youth are suffering terribly and now they are being sold into slavery”

Yea, that’s presidential candidate Atiku, dancing to the beat of the drums of victory only he and PDP can hear.

5. Lauretta Onochie

But of course, someone had to pour sand sand into Atiku’s garri and Onochie was the chosen vessel. We all know this one is cuckoo, so the jury will disregard her pronouncements below:

“Atiku may have had that weight some years ago but over the years he’s been losing that weight and at the moment, I can tell you the even in his local government area in his native Adamawa, he can’t win any election.”

6. President Buhari

President Buhari was sufficiently charged up after massive crowds welcomed him to Kano, he beat his chest like King Kong and declared:

I am overwhelmed by the sea of people I see,” Buhari said. “And by what I see today, if elections are contested I will no doubt win it.

Toh. We dey watch.

7. Atiku Abubakar

“I was quite wealthy before coming into government, with declared assets worth hundreds of millions of dollars in 1999.”

Told you he was talkative. With this interesting piece, Atiku put paid allegations of corruption while he served as Vice President… not that the opposition cares. It’s so good, he might have even made a fan out of I Go Dye.

8. Bode George

“The Peoples Democratic Party has now mangled and distorted its soul and spirit. There is no morality here anymore. There is no sanity or any sense of enlightened civility.

As a result of these observed aberrations wherein the position of the National Chairman has been apparently sold and auctioned to the highest bidder, I, as an Omoluabi and as an authentic Atona of Yorubaland, will not partake in this charade.

I, hereby, withdraw from this brazen fraud and absolutely preconceived, monetized, mercantilist convention.”

Former Military Governor of Ondo state was so upset with Wike, he quit his PDP National Chairmanship aspirations. His letter is one for the books.

If you don't read Bode George's withdrawal letter from tomorrow's PDP elections for any other reason, at least read for the gargantuan grammatological gigabytism. This is a perfect epitomization of what Yoruba people call 'Igi Iwe'. Oyinbo yen lekenka | https://t.co/WoqoezyoR8

— tolu ogunlesi (@toluogunlesi) December 8, 2017

9. Commissioner for Happiness, Ogechi Ololo

“This is Imo life and I believe Imolites are very very happy about it”

That’s how the Commissioner for Happiness appointed by His Royal Dumbness Rochas Okorocha responded to the ruckus that arose from creating this ministry. Her comments are as silly and unfortunate as the Ministry itself.

The new Commissioner for Happiness in Nigeria’s Imo State, appointed by her brother, defends her new job and believes her new ministry has a lot to offer. pic.twitter.com/7Bu2V3kCep

— BBC News Africa (@BBCAfrica) December 5, 2017

10. Sultan of Sokoto

“As a Fulani leader, I am the leader of Fulanis in this country and in the West African sub-region. I live with so many people and I know their problems and I will never call on any Fulani to pick up arms to kill anybody.”

Oya o, stop blaming the Sultan for the Fulani herdsmen crisis.

Bonus:

Just when you thought Libyans were the scum of the earth, this:

The Nigerians selling people in Libya are more wicked than many of the Arabs. I have never seen people so heartless as the Nigerians who bought and sold me

“There are many of them in Agadez and Sabha, who are making so much money from selling their own people. But there are other West Africans doing the business too.

“When you approach them and say, ‘Please, my brother, help me.’ They would tell you, “No brother in the jungle.”

“Nigerians and Libyans are doing the business like they are one big happy family.”