by Stanley Azuakola

The last thing Nigeria needs right now is another fiery religious tongue that wags for the sole purpose of polarising.

Mandela provokes jealousy

The South African government recently honoured their former president, Nelson Mandela by releasing new sets of rand banknotes with his picture featured on them. That move in faraway South Africa has provoked intense jealousy in the hearts of Nigerian politicians who are saddened that naira notes already bear pictures of former Nigerian leaders.

They are therefore demanding that their pictures be inscribed on the closest available alternatives –brown envelopes and ghana-must-go bags. To ensure federal character is respected, each of the six geo-political zones would have one prominent face on all brown envelopes in that zone and another face on all ghana-must-go bags. Envelopes and bags from any particular zone must remain in that zone and cannot be used for cross-zonal activities or risk impoundment. A Sovereign Zonal Conference (SZC) would be held in each zone to choose their brown envelope (wo)man as well as their ghana-must-go (wo)man.

Jonathan’s pipe dream

President Jonathan has informed the National Assembly that his government intends to borrow $8billion in order to finance pipeline projects in the country. He did not reveal what the pipes would be siphoning, but mentioned that one pipeline would move from the Central Bank vaults to Aso Rock; another pipe from the federation account to the National Assembly; and yet another from Excess Crude Account to Nigeria Governors Forum Secretariat.

He said he was worried that the pipelines currently being used are ” too slender like Coke straws to get the job done.” Meanwhile ordinary Nigerians are praying for some of the pipes’ contents to spill into their homes and businesses.

Governors tackle Governor Sanusi Lamido

Some actions by the CBN governor, Sanusi Lamido, like planning to build a power plant and events centre, donating to bomb victims and ordering bank boards around, have annoyed the Nigerian Governors’ Forum (NGF). Now the NGF says it would lobby for the CBN Act to be amended in order to change the title of the head of the Central Bank from “governor” to “director-general.” One of the governors who spoke on condition of anonymity said they’ve noticed that whenever the CBN governor “wakes up and sees ‘governor’ before his name, he begins to act like CBN is the 37th state. Next thing we’ll know he too would want to start eating security votes like us. To keep him humble, the ‘governor’ before his name must go.” The governor also solemnly hoped that after changing the title to “director-general,” the CBN governor would not “suddenly see himself as a military general and begin to order soldiers to go and occupy bank debtors.”

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

At a time when respected Nigerians (Muslims and Christians) have publicly lent their voices in condemning the Boko Haram sect, it is troubling to read the reckless statement attributed to Dr Khalid Aliyu, the Secretary General of Jama’atu Nasril Islam (JNI), the umbrella body for Muslims in the North. Hear him: “CAN president must tell his people (Christians) to stop mischievously disguising as Muslims in perpetrating acts of terrorism.” He called on security agencies to arrest those “Christians who disguise as Muslims to burn churches. Thorough investigations must also be made to unveil the sponsors of those Christian terrorists…We want to remind all Christian zealots, that our love for peace must not be mistaken as a licence to make us second class citizens in a country where we constitute a majority.” This man is clearly in his elements spewing nonsense.

The last thing Nigeria needs right now is another fiery religious tongue that wags for the sole purpose of polarising. Protecting religious turfs should never take precedence over protecting the sanctity of human life. At a time when we all should be focused on kicking out extremism, provoking rhetoric only helps divert attention to inanities. Dr. Khalid Aliyu is a diversionary clown and picks the CeeCee this week.

Editor’s Note: A Pinch of Salt… is satire – a riff off news over the past week.

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