Adeboro Odunlami: Not a good parent [NEW VOICES]

by Adeboro Odunlami

Some mornings before I step out of my house, I look in my mirror and ask myself who the hell I am. I mean, I manage people for a living. What was it my boss said the other day? ‘The HR department would not be the same without you. You just get people!’

But do I?

I remember Mrs. Kegbeyale running to my office; tears running down her face as her throat engage the phlegm in it and made klummp-klummp sounds. The first thing I thought of when I saw her in her bright yellow dress was how pretty she was; then I thought of how pretty she wasn’t when she cried; then I thought ‘Oh crap! She’s going to tell me she wants to quit or work remotely for a while’; then I thought, ‘How could she be so selfish? Oh well, I’m not going to allow that. It’s the end of the financial year and we need more hands on deck’

But as she sunk in my chair and began narrating her family woes, I felt bad. She told me about how her husband and children gang up against her to make it seem like she’s crazy. They would tell her that she over-exaggerates and that she’s uptight and not fun. ‘They make it seem like they are joking, but they mean those things’ she said.

After she finished breaking down on me, I held her hand and sermonised. As the advice fell out of my mind in pieces, I couldn’t even believe I was the one talking. ‘You have to believe that your family is all you’ve got. And they’ve got you as well. They are also going to be the most annoying bunch of people you’ll ever meet because they have unfettered access to your heart, and it’s easiest for them to hurt you. But you must remember that consanguinity prevents families from truly hurting each other. They mean you well; they only don’t know the best way to go about it. That’s the approach from which you must deal with them. For your husband, talk to him in private about how you feel. And your children, let them always know that you love them; and then love them by example – don’t say hurtful words to them and they won’t say hurtful words to you’

Such flowery crap.

Flowery crap because almost every day at home, I beat and insult my children as though they are my arch enemies.

To be honest, I wish I could say that I understand why I do that but I don’t. My brain goes off when my children misbehave and I feel angry that they, of all people in the world, would disobey me or fail to understand that when I give them instructions, it’s for their own good.

It starts off gently ‘Dorcas, switch off the television and go and read the novel your daddy bought for you’. Dorcas is silent. ‘Dorcas, are you not the one I’m talking to?’ Silence. ‘Dorcas? Are you deaf?’ Silence. So I stand up, walk over to where she is sucking three of her fingers and slap her hand out of her mouth. She looks up to me angrily and that makes me even angrier, so I give her a slap across the face. She is crying now; crouching in a corner and I say, ‘Why were you not answering me? Stand up now and go to your room.’ She stands up and goes to her room and I stand back for a while and think about what the hell just happened. I walk to her room, maybe to apologise, and I see her, with the slap marks on her face, tearing the novel her dad bought for her. I go crazy and start to throw her around like Jesus did with the wares at the temple. While throwing her around, I’m screaming, ‘Are you okay? Are you stupid? I will show you today that I’m your mother’

Mother indeed.

Indeed, children can be great pains in the ass; especially when they begin to think they are adults and now know everything.

But I have let myself take the Nigerian Parents’ pledge to kill our children before they kill us.

I have not stood back to reason that children are like blank sheets, upon whom impressions are made.

I have not vowed to train, understand and discipline my children rather than flog, flog and flog them hoping the goat in them would somehow understand.

I have not practiced what I preach – self-control and love.

I have not been a good parent to my children.


Adeboro is a graduate of Law, a photographer and a collector of experiences. You probably, most likely, already know her.

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