by Kiri Blakeley

 Apparently a third of men have admitted to faking orgasm. They sure do go to a lot of trouble to start something they then have to fake-finish!

Oh, those men. When it comes to sex, they are super sneaky, aren’t they? Men will use all kinds of tricks and wiles to get you into the sack. And did you know that some of them are doing it to get you pregnant??!! So says a new study, which (somewhat preposterously) claims that 16% of men have claimed to pull the kinds of shady shenanigans we’ve only ever really heard about women pulling to try and bring a baby into this world. Like pin-pricking condoms and hiding birth control pills. Apparently men who do this want to “leave a legacy” behind or create the kind of nuclear family they didn’t have when they were kids. Okay, these dudes are freaking wacko. STAY. AWAY. That said, here are 7 other sneaky tricks guys use in the sack.

1. The sad break-up ploy. You know those guys who act all devastated because some bitch of a woman just crushed his heart? He says he hasn’t had sex in eons because he just isn’t feeling attracted to anyone … except … you know … you. Yes, you of all women in the entire world might be able to bring him out of his break-up induced funk. If you try real hard. Naked. (A enterprising few will go so far as to say they’re gay but maybe could be persuaded … )

2. Can’t get it up ploy. Guys don’t normally volunteer that they can’t get it up — so when they do it’s just a ruse to get you in the sack. Usually it goes a lil something like this: “I’m very attracted to you, but I have, uh, a little issue, and I don’t know if it’s because I was in the WAR or because of my TRAUMATIC CHILDHOOD or because I’m a CIA OPERATIVE WHO HAS SEEN THINGS YOU CAN’T IMAGINE, but all isn’t quite working as it should down there. Perhaps you can help … ?”

3. Oh crap, there’s no condoms! Yeah, you know, you’re going hot and heavy and things are just about to slide into home base when suddenly dude is all, Oh, I can’t belieeeeve this, but I forgot to buy condoms! (If he’s real good, he’ll then add that’s because he hasn’t had sex in so long because of his sad break-up.) This is apparently your cue to forgo the condoms because you TRUST HIM SO MUCH. Offer to run out to buy them. And then don’t come back!

4. Fake it till you make it. Ever been making out with a guy, feeling him up, and things seem like a pretty solid handful down there, but then when you’re back at his place, he hits he bathroom, and when he returns to bed, things are a lot, um, more like a thimble-full than a handful? Check out those rolled up socks on the bathroom floor. Or maybe the cucumber covered in tinfoil hidden in the cabinet.

5. Fake it some more. Apparently a third of men have admitted to faking orgasm. They sure do go to a lot of trouble to start something they then have to fake-finish!

6. “The dolphin move.” This is when a guy turns you around and acts like you’re going to do some doggie style but then he suddenly dips lower and rears up a bit and gets you in the backdoor. This is an actual story from an actual man who actually does this. I swear, if anyone pulled the “dolphin move” on me I’d pull the “shark move” on him — use your imagination.

7. Unexpected facial. A male friend tells me that a favorite trick of his guy friend is getting just to the brink of orgasm and then suddenly pretending that his penis hurts. Usually a girl will then offer to look at it to see if anything is wrong and then splat! she’s got a nice sticky facial. The guy then apologizes and pretends he didn’t mean to do it but you turned him on so much.

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Read this article in The Stir

 

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