1. You pick a treadmill at the gym that overlooks the local college boys basketball team. Now that you are in your late twenties, they’re seem young and fresh and sweaty and I’ll stop now.2. You almost sniff the back of a guy’s neck on the train. The subway is a sardine can crammed with attractive professional youngs and you inevitably wind up facing the back of a guy who looks hot from the back.3. You slow down and “cruise” when a guys cross country team runs past your car. Ideally, “Smooth” by Santana featuring Rob Thomas would be playing.

4. You are the person who initiates thigh-touching on a date. Ahahaha, you’re soooo funny. *grope*

5. You have no qualms making out in the street. THE WERE-GIRL MUST BE SATIATED.

6. When you are taking someone home, it does not even occur to you that your place is too messy for sexy times. Is there a sex-having space on the floor between the pizza, dirty underwear, and Zebra Cake wrappers? Great.

7. You walk around with condom(s) in your purse. Ya never know! You can just trip and fall onto a penis.

8. Talking to guys in bars suddenly doesn’t seem like the worst decision ever. That guy over there in the dress shirt eyeing us creepily looks kinda cute! That guy with the ZZ Top beard looks kinda cute! That tree stump outside looks kinda cute!

9. You’re touching everyone a little too much. Morning, Ben! How’s doing the expense budget going? Thank God it’s Friday, right? Hahaha please let me lick your neck.

10. You claim you’re tired and cancel dinner plans in lieu of “watching a movie” with him. Or yourself. Because “watching a movie” has been code for sex since high school. Some things do not change.

11. You shaved/trimmed/lotioned every inch of yourself this morning because IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN. And you spent every moment of the epic two-hour block of beautifying time thinking about how awesome doing it is gonna be.

12. At a bar, you do a tequila shot and tell everyone it makes you “soooo horny” so you have an excuse for your normal non-tequila-induced horniness level. Yes. You.

13. You text back the number that occasionally texts you at 12:30 a.m. being like “Whats up,” which you usually ignore.

14. You start sexting that number without asking who it is. Because it’s the Hot Stranger Game. Even though there is the possibility that you will IMMEDIATELY received a shocked response from your mom’s friend Donna.

15. You find yourself Google Imaging hot actors. And making them your screen savers.

16. And you grunt or something when you stumble upon a particularly great picture of one. Or you’re like the pervy older lady who goes WOOOO and pantomimes fanning herself.

17. And having frequent sex dreams. Probably featuring said actors.

18. You immediately scroll down to “Personal Life” on the Wikipedia page of every actor you think is hot to see if he is married.

19. You find yourself Google-searching “[Actor’s name] girlfriend.” “joaqhin phoenix girlfriend.” “Jeffrey dean morgan girlfriend” “chris hemsworth girlfriend” “david blaine girlfriend.”

20. You take the batteries out of your Swiffer Wet Jet and put them in your vibrator.

21. You feel extra mad when you get a text and it’s from your MOM OR BROTHER. GOD YOU GUYS, DON’T YOU KNOW THAT I CARE MORE ABOUT PENETRATION THAN MY LOVED ONES RIGHT NOW?

22. You stare at bulges. It’s just really easy sometimes because you are sitting at crotch level and a man is standing.

23. You stare at mouths.

24. You stare into space.

25. You make eyes at literally every man on public transit even though they are all gross.

26. You do a search for the word “kiss” in the YA novel you’re reading on your Kindle.

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