by Frank Kobola
Guys might seemed unfazed by a rough breakup, but if you stare into their eyes, you’ll see nothing but pain and longing and a desire to fill the void in their hearts with so many Big Macs.
There’s a lot of self-doubt, maybe (probably) some crying, a lot of going out with friends, some trash talking, saying some nice things about the person, more trash talking, drinking, binge-watching something, going out with friends, a few weird texts/phone calls to the ex and then finally catharsis. Maybe. Here’s what guys really do after you dump them:
1. Hibernate. We grab our favorite blanket or Snuggie and watch way too much Pawn Stars in between naps on the couch.
2. Get way too good at something useless. Now that we’re single and need to put our focus elsewhere, we’re going to get really good at Madden. Or whittling.
3. Teach ourselves a sad song on guitar. Our roommates might not have known how many chords were in “Wonderwall” before, but now they do. It’s six. Six chords.
4. Create a ring of comfort food around our desk/couch/chair/table. Wherever we’ve decided to park our sad, unlovable bodies, it looks like we’re preparing for some ancient ritual that requires a specific arrangement of Chinese food cartons and pizza boxes on the floor.
5. Stay way too busy. “Hey, it’s a great thing she broke up with me! Now I can finally clean my attic/build my own bookcase/start a business/move to Mexico! This is a cry for help someone please talk me out of these long-term plans!”
6. Avoid bars. We can’t go to a bar without drunkenly hitting on women and getting rejected. And we can’t handle rejection right now.
7. Talk about our exes way too much. “You know who loved that movie? My ex! Oh, you know who was good at tying shoes? My ex. You know who also needed to eat food to survive? My ex.” Everything becomes a reason to bring them up.
8. Listen to one song over and over. It doesn’t have to be a breakup song, but if it reminds us of our ex, we will have it on repeat constantly.
9. Avoid restaurants/movie theaters/parks we used to go to with our ex. Have you ever seen a grown man crying by himself in a movie theater? It’s because he made the mistake of going to see the new Robocop in the same theater where he and his ex had their first date.
10. Spend hours hovering our thumb over “send” on a text to our ex. Eventually, we’ll either drink enough whiskey to go through with it, or a good Samaritan will recognize the signs of a dumpee and throw our phone into the woods.
11. Invite our guy friends over to sit in brooding silence with us. It’s better than watching a Top Gear marathon by ourselves. We’ll probably also try to offer them something from one of the discarded fast food boxes by our feet, because we’re good hosts.
12. Grow a breakup beard. No one has time to shave when they’re plumbing the depths of human emotion. The breakup beard is sad and unkempt, with enough food in it to feed a flock of very tiny birds, like swallows or something.
13. Or a spite beard. Our ex hated beards so goddammit we WILL grow a beard now.
14. Watch a weird amount of porn. We’re talking down the porn rabbit hole here. We’re coming out the other side a changed man. Days of angry masturbation will do that to you.
15. Try to get all of our friends super into some esoteric game. “Hey, do you guys want to get together and play Settlers of Catan?” turns into “This was really fun. We should do this every night.” turns into “Please don’t leave me. Ever.”
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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.