by Tess Koman
This girl always has to have the shortest freakum dress, the most attention from men at bars, the most Facebook friends, the fanciest liquid eyeliner. She turns every little thing that isn’t actually a contest into an Olympic blood sport
1. The friend you only hear from when she wants you to be donate to all of her charities/marathon fundraisers.
If it’s something you feel passionately about regardless of her involvement, give to your heart’s desire. If you reallytrulyhonestly do not give half a shit and haven’t spoken to her in three years, a simple “please take me off your terrifically impersonal mass email/text list” will send the message clearly.
2. The friend who you drunkenly bonded with in bathrooms at frat parties but never hung out with sober.
Remember this: the older you get the worse drinking feels. You’re going to need more sober support than drunken support at some point in your twenties.
3. The friend who contacts you to hang out all the time but always flakes.
Think of the value of your time. No really, you can assign a dollar amount to it based on your current earning power. Now think about how much money you’re theoretically wasting by sitting around waiting for this person to flake on you. Dig out some old clothes and start eBaying. It is absolutely a better use of your time.
4. The condescending friend.
For whatever reason, this friend is quick to criticize your every move. Yet you continue to say yes to her happy hour invitations. Why? She is most definitely jealous of something you have or have accomplished. She can have a nice life forever without you and be wildly jealous behind your back when you conquer everything everywhere and become Queen Princess of the World.
5. The friend who is incredibly competitive about totally innocuous, normally non-competitive activities.
This girl always has to have the shortest freakum dress, the most attention from men at bars, the most Facebook friends, the fanciest liquid eyeliner. She turns every little thing that isn’t actually a contest into an Olympic blood sport. You don’t have time for her non-games. The only contest you have time for is the one between you and the ladder you’re climbing to the top of everything. Next!
6. The sloppiest drunk currently stored in your phone.
If you regularly hang out with anyone who expects you to pick up the pieces as she blazes her way to Blackout Town every Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday night, you have every right to cut ties. One of those nights will come along when you’re kind of sober, while she’s pulling her dress over her head as she cries in the middle of the sidewalk over her lost purse, and you’ll just back away slowly and never look back.
7. The friend who has plenty of time to talk about herherher and but none to talk about you.
Yes, this is the age of narcissism because of social media and Milennials and blah blah Instagram blah blah everyone is no one and no one is everyone yadda yadda. But there is a difference between a bored-at-work Facebook Full O’ Herself and a friend who only wants to talk about her drama but never listens to anything you have to say about yours. Don’t make yourself available to her.
8. The Negative Nancy.
Nancy has nothing nice to say about anything ever. Nancy is the internet commenter of your nightmares IRL. In fact, Nancy probably does call every blogger she can find online “fat” just because she herself is miserable inside and has nothing positive to bring to her meaningful social interactions, much less the superficial variety. Fortunately your life is not a The View round table and you don’t have time for haters.
9. The dicks before chicks friend.
ENOUGH. Self-explanatory DONE.
10. The friend who doesn’t support your motivation to build an awesome life for yourself from the ground up.
As you land your first job and start making real money, you will inevitably have a friend who is still all cuddled up in post-grad “my parents pay for everything na na na na na” world. She won’t understand your struggles to save up enough to rent your own apartment. There is nothing wrong with making time for her while she’s living the dream, but if she has no understanding of why you won’t be having four $9 glasses of wine with her on a Friday night, well, buy a box of Franzia and find a new drinking buddy.
Read this article in Cosmopolitan
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.